The Emotional Toll of Finding a Surrogate: LGBTQIA+ Intended Parents and the Impact on the Couple
By Dr. Arielle Buch-Frohlich, PsyD | Psychologist & Founder at Anna & Salomon: Sex and Couple Health
For many LGBTQIA+ individuals and couples, the path to parenthood is not linear. It’s often paved with complex decisions, emotional highs and lows, and systemic barriers. For intended parents pursuing surrogacy, particularly in Canada where the legal and ethical frameworks are nuanced, the process can feel daunting. Add to that the emotional weight of trying to find the right surrogate—someone who aligns with your values, is medically approved, and is genuinely willing to carry your child—and the journey becomes deeply personal, sometimes painfully isolating.
At Anna & Salomon, we work with many queer couples navigating this process. The emotional toll is real, and the strain on the couple relationship is often under-acknowledged. Let’s talk about it.
A Hopeful Beginning… and a Long Road Ahead
For many LGBTQIA+ couples, deciding to pursue surrogacy is filled with hope. After months—or years—of conversations about parenting, finances, and logistics, this step often symbolizes commitment and readiness. But that hope can quickly be tempered by the reality of long waitlists, limited access to surrogates, and the daunting task of establishing a relationship with a stranger who will play an intimate and essential role in your family’s story.
Even when you’ve emotionally and practically prepared for the process, the lack of control can be disorienting. It’s common to feel a mix of anticipation, grief, jealousy (especially when others conceive easily), and frustration at how few surrogates are available—especially for queer couples, who may feel they need to “prove” themselves to intended surrogates or navigate subtle forms of exclusion.
How It Impacts the Couple
1. Communication Strain
The intensity of this journey often brings out differences in coping styles. One partner may want to process every detail, while the other shuts down or becomes overly task-oriented. Misalignments like these can lead to hurt feelings or cycles of conflict.
2. Decision Fatigue
Every stage requires decisions: agencies vs. independent matching, local vs. international options, legal implications, fertility clinic selection, donor choices. Constant decision-making—often with no “perfect” option—can erode a couple’s sense of confidence in each other and in the process.
3. Financial and Emotional Pressure
Surrogacy, even altruistic, involves significant costs—financially and emotionally. Couples often feel guilt or resentment tied to money, especially when one partner contributes more, or when the cost of multiple embryo transfers or failed matches accumulates. It’s not unusual for these pressures to bring up old wounds or unresolved issues in the relationship.
4. Invisible Grief and Isolation
LGBTQIA+ couples may already be carrying grief around fertility—grief that they cannot create a child together biologically, or that their path to parenthood is so heavily medicalized and public. There’s also a quiet, persistent loneliness: few people truly understand what it’s like to wait for a surrogate match while your friends move ahead with pregnancies on timelines that feel effortless.
Holding Onto Each Other
Despite the challenges, many couples find that this experience also brings them closer. The vulnerability required to endure this journey together can deepen intimacy—when it’s navigated with care.
Here are a few therapeutic strategies we use at Anna & Salomon to support couples through the surrogacy process:
Normalize the grief. It’s okay to mourn the way you imagined becoming parents. Grief and hope can coexist.
Check in regularly. Don’t assume you know how your partner is coping. A simple “How are you really doing with all of this?” can open a door.
Share the load. Divide responsibilities in a way that feels equitable. Even if one partner is more emotionally invested in the day-to-day logistics, both can stay emotionally present.
Find queer-affirming support. Whether it’s a fertility counselor, a therapist, or a peer group—surround yourself with professionals and communities who affirm your identity and experience.
You Are Not Alone
If you’re in the middle of this journey and feeling overwhelmed, you’re not alone—and your emotions are valid. At Anna & Salomon, we are committed to helping LGBTQIA+ individuals and couples navigate the intersection of fertility, identity, and relationship health. This process is not just about building a family; it’s about protecting your connection as a couple along the way.
We see you. We’re here for you.
Warmly,
Dr. Arielle Buch-Frohlich, PsyD
Psychologist & Founder,
Anna & Salomon: Sex and Couple Health